Im not sure why I felt compelled to make the site. Its been something I been planning on doing for a long time but never did. Until yesterday I said fuck it. Maybe its the depression, maybe its the fact I dont know what to right now in my life, maybe its the fact I got fired. Who the hell knows. Its fine regardless. Im not exactly sure whats my plan exactly with the site. Perhaps will just use as a hub for my projects. I dont got awhole lot interesting in my life at the moment. Just maybes and what ifs. My heads been a mess these last few months but Im barely starting to chill. Its been hard honestly. But Ill be fine eventually. Been thinking alot about my ex again. Hope she is okay. Around this time of month is when I think about her. Thankfully less and less but you know how it is. Been trying to focus on myself really. Keep myself busy with different projects and my interests. Been going to a local called Bay Area MADHouse. They been doing Street Fighter Tourneys and a couple other games. Went to last weeks on thursday. Placed 7th. Small group but I felt proud for once. A friend of mine Heretic been describing this era of my life My own Ken from Street Fighter 6 Arc. Kinda goofy but fairly fitting, I main Ken mostly. It is what it is I guess. Aside from that, I been picking up guitar more and more lately. I used to play a bit back in High School for a class but I kinda dropped it once the pandemic started. Started at it again, and its been pretty sweet. Im using a Yamaha clone of a stratocaster. Its used, kinda not amazing but its kinda good for someone learning to play like me. Only really know chords and parts of songs. Eventually Ill try to learn a full song. Guess thats fine for now.
Working at a boba shop soon. Probably will be a temp thing. Hoping to get work at San Jose for the city. I was planning on going back to school soon actually. However my mom is getting surgery and it seems like I am gonna need to work full time. Maybe I can squeeze in some classes but who knows. Bit of a shame. Oh well. On cool news, I went to Bay Area Madhouse again. Went to the Ultra Street Fighter 4 tourney. The turnout was alot bigger than last time and despite USF4 the SF I probably played the least, I placed higher. That honestly might be because Sakura is in USF4. If you noticed at all, I really like her. She is genuinely one of my favorite characters and I always liked how she is kinda scrubby but thats okay, she just wants to learn and get better. Its something I can relate to on a fighting game level and just general life shit. There was another on thursday last week. They did Street Fighter Third Strike again. I had better matches but still placed low. It was honestly super fucking funny. The guys who go over there are generally super chill guys. Think they might wanna do a group thing for EVO 2023. I might go, Im not sure. Its not a time or finance thing exactly. Its more so Im kinda a lil bit of an emotional bitch. Vegas holds some shit to me now and its weird. Im still getting over some shit right now. For what its worth, Im doing WAYYY better than I was just a few months ago. Anyway, I think that would be fun. Frankly Im afraid to travel alone. It isnt exactly because I think Im going to get kidnapped or whatever. Honestly dealing with the TSA and all that security, and the hassle of luggage and airline bullshit and the paranoia that I got over having a bag with a big metal box with loose wires inside, I dunno it kinda looks like I got a bomb, it all gives me a bit of anxiety. Let me just grab my shit and go on the plane. It is genuinely needlessly annoying and stressful. Eitherway the guys said they would consider sorta funding an Airbnb or Van. Not exactly sure how that would work but Id imagine everyone just pitches in. Who knows, we'll see.
That boba shop blows. Still looking for better jobs. I applied to a couple places in San Jose and a library in San Mateo. Still no calls and such. Oh well, I am kinda considering getting a second job in the mean time nearby but we will see. I been lagging on working on this site for a while. Kinda lost some motivation to write about samples. Lately my brain has been kicking my ass. But things are getting better mostly. I see City Morgue tomorrow. Thats exciting. Kinda really the only thing I been looking forward to in a while. Its kinda weird. I remember when I was younger, I didnt really expect to reach 18. Figured that I would kill myself. So there was a feeling of "what now?" that followed me for a bit after my birthday. I dont wanna kill myself or anything, but I have that feeling coming back. And I fucking hate it.
When I was barely in high school, I was going to kill myself. So I went to the psych ward for the first time. I met a 2 girls there. Cal and Christina. Cal was an interesting character. She offered me a blowie the first time I interacted with. Im pretty sure she was joking but the things I ended up learning about her makes me debate on it. Regardless, she had issues but we somehow stayed friends. However one day sometime in 2018 she just Poof. Disappeared. Ghosted everyone. I remember contacting people she would follow on her IG. Nobody knew what happened to her. Didnt help she never actually gave me her real name. She was oddly uncomfortable with using her real name. She refused to tell me about it. So I kinda just kept refering to her as Cal, however I did once catch her real name. Val, perhaps short for Valerie. Overtime I forgot about her. Recently I was going through photos, files, etc to delete or upload. Found exactly one photo. A screenshot showing an old text conversation we had. It had her address. I figured fuck it, lets go. The address was a trailer park in Brisbane, not far from San Fransisco so I took the CalTrain and bus. After a few hours I finally arrived. I knocked on the door of the trailer and out came an old lady through the crack of the door. I can see that her place was a mess. I asked if she had a daughter. She said no. Shit out of luck. I guess Ill never find out what truely happened to Cal. As fucked up as it sounds, I always figured that she probably killed herself. She had alot of issues and frankly I was too young and dumb to truely give a shit. Aside from that, I was going to initially go to Canada this weekend. See my buddy Kerri. Her partner was offering to pay for my ticket but we didnt really plan it too well so it never happened. Despite not happening, Im still happy she offered. I think she knew that if I went to Vegas for EVO instead, Id probably do something very stupid which I mean. Yeah maybe. I need to write more on this site. Texted my ex, Christina about Cal. Mentioned she actually read my site which I lowkey forgot about. I mentioned how I had no motivation to write on this site and for a minute put that energy into short little treatment script things. I deleted those but those were fairly theraputic. Writing in general is kinda theraputic for me. Regardless, if youre reading this Christina, Idk go read my Sega Saturn thing instead the fuck is wrong with you? Ill have a sample thing up soon, probably finish one of the ones I didnt upload.
Turns out I dont like october anymore. I havent really been handling this month very well. I wasnt exactly expecting that. Like I started school and was excited and once it was the last weeek of September, it kinda occured to me "Damn, Its gonna be October". One year. I didnt pay too much mind to it until it was the 13th and 14th. I didnt expect to cry as much as I did those 2 days. It feels dumb to let 2 days from 1 year ago ruin a whole month but here we are. I clearly care too much about her and everything about those 2 days. Im being vague and if you dont know, ill keep it that way in the mean time. Ill write about the cool shit I done to keep my mind off things later
Working on a short film. I am basing it on a short story I wrote in high school. I am debating on changing it. initially the story is about a guy killing his step dad and hiding the body. Emphasis on hiding the body and the whole anger aspect of that. I am doing this but its kinda weird because I dont care anymore. I wrote that story with me being very mad at my dad. I dont care about it anymore. And a weird part of me wants to rewrite it have it be about killing a former lover. But I feel a sense of guilt doing that. I dont have any anger towards her. I dont hate her still even though I really tried to for the longest time. Also I kinda just hate that she always wiggles to the front of my mind. I started self harming earlier in the year. Mainly just punching myself because I always feared sharp objects enough to not cut. Fast forward now, I have little hesitation on doing it. I began to invest in razors. Im scared Im going to escalate if I dont get help but I dont wanna scare my family. Half the time Im ready to give up but I keep trudging on hoping things will get better and I can forget more and more but fuck man.
stop reading this shit. You know who you are
IVE GOT THE SPIRIT
BUT LOSE THE FEELING
Grippy Sock Field Trip
